Never leave a paper trail.

My kindergartner had her first note sent home from school this weekend. I had to compose myself in my bedroom before talking to her about it. It read as follows:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Eyebrows,

At the end of the day today as I was passing out papers, I noticed that Piper had written the word "butt" on two of her papers from Computer class and intended to give them to two of her friends. When I asked her why she wrote this on her papers, she said she learned that word from the movie "Despicable Me." We talked about how that is not an appropriate word to use in school. She visited with Mrs. Principal and Mr. Computer. Thank you for visiting with her for me at home.

Since this did not occur in the classroom, if you have any questions or need further explanation, please contact Mr. Computer.

Thank you!

Mrs. Kindergarten

Ok, obviously I've renamed some people. Included with this letter were two pictures she had made and, in fact, written the word "butt" on in crayon. One picture did look like minion butt cheeks from the movie where the minions are making photo copies of their butts. I'm willing to argue however that my child did not, in fact, learn the word "butt" from "Despicable Me".

When I found the letter, Piper saw that I had found it and ran to her room crying, "I didn't mean to!" After taking the time to compose my own laughter, my husband and I went to talk to her. She was under her covers crying. She definitely will not be writing the word "butt" on any school papers again, poor thing. We talked about how it's not appropriate and then told her about her older sister's notes that were sent home from school in the past. Her older sister was there to confirm our story and she helped us to make Piper feel better. Seriously, if writing "butt" on a couple papers is the worst thing she ever does, I'm a proud mom.

I'm keeping the letter and the pictures to someday show to her future husband or display with her graduation pictures.

We were watching a nature show about monkeys a day later and somehow it came about that monkeys are known for throwing poop.

"I would like a pet monkey mom, but since they throw poop, I can't have one, right?" She asked me later that night.

"Right. Please don't share your monkey knowledge at school though, okay Piper?"

"Okay mommy." She smiled at me knowingly.

There are 21 school days left. I hope we can make it.

And the Award Goes To...

Before I give my acceptance speech, I feel the need to explain myself. I didn't even think about the fact that it was Monday today because the weekend was so full of craziness, I just went with the flow. And really, it started off okay in the beginning, it really did. I faced my weekly grocery shopping trip with bravery and gusto and I wasn't even ashamed to be seen in public with my youngest child and her fashion sense(less). The two of us set off in search of household sundries and grocery items with hope in our hearts and reusable bags in our hands. Then it hit me. Somewhere between my house and Target it dawned on me that I had forgotten to send 12 plastic eggs and 3 dimes to school with my kindergartner.

"Mommy, we can't forget to get my eggs and my dimes for school for our project. Jesus was sold for 30 pieces of silver's why we have to bring 3 dimes and I don't know what the eggs are for but we have to put the dimes into one of them." She had reminded me on Saturday morning as we headed out of town for the weekend. I promised her we would stop and get the eggs on the way back into town. I forgot.

I started bawling upon realizing my neglect and suddenly it occurred to me that I AM THE WORST MOMMY EVER. I have never been up for such a big award! This would have to put me into the front running! I pictured my springy haired 5 year old at school, having a melt down of epic proportions and her teacher, shaking her head and tsking, marking my name off on her voting ballot.

My mood went from slightly positive to ginormously negative in 0.2 seconds. But by some miracle the tiny 'raptor and I managed to get the shopping done without any major breakdowns or blowups and we went to get the other minions from school.

My kindergartner came running out and greeted me with a giant hug. I could feel the tears welling up again. I fought them back and profusely apologized for my forgetfulness. I was forgiven and kissed and we stood in wait for the eldest raptor. And we waited. And waited. My stomach began to knot up and I could feel the tickling in my sinuses that usually precedes a tearful explosion. The 5th graders had gone to another school for band practice...was I supposed to have picked her up at that school? OH I HAVE THIS AWARD IN THE BAG NOW!!! Another mother came up beside me and asked how I was. Well...since you asked....But she was my saving grace! She knew the 5th graders had come back already. Turned out my 5th grader has classroom duty this week. Phew. Crisis averted, children gathered and off to the van we went.

We were blessed this year with the purchase of a new used Toyota Sienna minivan with automatic sliding doors. The children delight in "pushing the button" to close their doors when they get in or out. Yay for all things mechanical! In my haste to get the kids buckled in and groceries home, I failed to notice that the youngest raptor had pushed her button and suddenly I was being shoved over by an automatic sliding door, slowly squeezed to certain flatness. I flailed around and pressed the button again, releasing the door's hold on my midsection. This is where I cinched up my title as "Worst Mommy Ever". I unleashed a tirade on the poor four year old, chewing her out for nearly crushing me. She, in turn, let loose a scream that only dogs could hear. Well, dogs and apparently the two teachers getting into their vehicle next to ours. I saw them get out their ballots and cast their votes just as I was pulling out of the parking lot.

So, without further ado, I would like to thank The Academy, without which this award would not be possible. I would like to thank the 'raptors, for without them I would not be a mommy and lastly I would like to thank my failing brain and apparent PMS for allowing the final breakdown that put this award in my hands. Thank you! Thank you all!